ORDINARY PEOPLE

You know what gets on my nerves? People who have lives that are nowhere near normal, trying to convince me they are just like me. Athletes do it all the time in commercials. You know the commercials I am talking about. Payton (caus he's paid) Manning is walking down the street in a sweat suit while his voice comes over saying something like,

“I may be a football player, but I’m no different than you. I hurt, I bleed, I cry and have fears. I’m human.”

That is B.S. Most people have fears like not being able to afford shelter or buy sourpatch kids. Manning makes millions. Name your top 5 fears. There is a 90% chance that you could alleviate or alter at least three of them with Manning’s money in some capacity! They say money can’t buy happiness. Money can’t buy happiness but it can cover my car note and my credit cards. The inability to pay bills is why people are sad. Give me that sort of cash and I’ll buy me a therapist who will prescribe me pills I can buy to make me happy! In a roundabout way, you CAN buy happiness! See? Manning gets sad for different reasons. He’s sad he had to buy the 2007 private jet because all the 2008 jets are sold out. He’s sad because he wished his private chef flew in lettuce from Romania instead of Rome. I guess he is just like me because I cried over my sandwich also. Well, I cried because I wish I could afford meat to go inside of my sunshine sandwich but it is almost the same thing, just on different frequencies, right?

There are some similarities though. Manning enjoys playing Madden. I enjoy playing Madden. Oh, I misunderstood. Manning likes to play against John Madden, the person, in a game of John Madden, the game. I do the same thing minus the middle part of that sentence. Manning’s favorite player is himself. My favorite player is myself…I spent 2 hours creating myself. I dropped thousands of dollars on my car. Manning drops thousands of dollars in his car, er, his car’s change holder. I once heard a homeless man asked for Manning’s spare change and found himself in the top tax bracket! Geez!

Our lives are nothing alike. Football is his job. I turn on my tv every Sunday to see how he’s doing at work. People pay hundreds of dollars for tickets to watch him work. My friends have yet to show up in my cubicle with a huge “#1” finger cheering me on as I create an excel spreadsheet. It would be awesome to have people behind me cheering DE-FENSE while I am in a meeting and "boo" or write nasty letters when my boss comes down on me too hard. I have yet to see any stranger walking the street in a white dress shirt with my name across the back asking me for an autograph but I’m sure they are out there. I will admit I was hired at a big conference and people cheered when my name was called. I was a first-round pick. Oddly, Nike hasn’t called me about my own sneaker but I did change my number recently.

Let me keep pushing. (This is the apology-worthy section) You know what else I don’t understand? Handicapped people saying they want to be treated equal. I understand no one wants to be pitied, but people go to far demanding they be treated like “every other person.” If they feel that strong about it, I propose no more Braille. “Every other person” I know can see the menu at Ruby Tuesdays. Do blind people even go to movies? Seriously, do they? If so, do they get a discount? I strongly feel that they shouldn’t be charged $8.00 and not be able to have an $8.00 experience. $1.00 should be the price. That’s fair. You say half? I disagree. A picture’s worth a thousand words. All they heard are the audible words and missed thousands of pictures, i.e. millions of words not even being spoken! Not only could they not see the movie, they didn’t “hear” millions of “picture” words! $1.00 may be overcharging them but I think it is fair at least for rent on the seat they are sitting in. I have an idea. I know it’s illegal to videotape a movie, but is it illegal to audiotape it? There are millions to be made if someone would audiotape films and sell them to blind people. I have to look into that.

I’m talking ridiculous, right? Handicapped people are just like every other person as far as their worth are concerned. I would never argue that. But I think the desire that I act as if I see a three-legged man all the time and not stare is too much to ask of me. I’m staring. I'm getting complete strangers attention and pointing while he looks on. I may even take pictures with my camera phone. You don’t see that everyday! If I should treat everyone equal, I choose to write down directions when the blind person asks me how to get some place or at least I tell them to make a left at the purple barn with the giraffe in the yard. I mean you can’t miss it! It’s huge! Afterwards I will follow him/her with my cameraphone because I have got to see how he/she manages to drive! Like how I went gender neutral there at the end? I'm in touch with the woman community. You can be blind too!

My mental wheelchair ramp is over at humor-blogs.com

THE PROBLEM WITH EQUAL

I originally wrote this before the Rev. Wright controversy and Obama speech. I swear. It started as a funny post, which you can find above this one, and somehow I ended up here. I made very minor changes to the original piece after the speech and flap but did add an addendum. This is one of those non-funny ones (although you may find all of my posts "non-funny) but whatever. It's my blog!


“We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal…”

I completely agree (and would include women) but I worry that the base reality of this has been distorted and politicized by Republicans and Democrats, alike. People are equal in worth. That’s about where equality stops. Talent, intellectual aptitude, physical limitations, family backgrounds, wealth, social environments, etc are all factors that make us very unequal; especially when any combination of these different factors yield a different resulting person and that’s not even taking into account plain-old personality types! It’s all a ploy by our society that causes you to equalize everyone which in turn gives you the excuse needed to not help someone who ISN’T like you. If you are in a prosperous position (“prosperous” being relative to who you are comparing yourself to, and not just financially) and want to see everyone as equal it’s easy to feel ok with not helping out a needy family, cause, etc.

The left gets on my nerve because everyone is a victim and needs to be helped. That’s garbage (not in every circumstance). Decisions have consequences and people should have to deal with them. Also, some inequalities in life (talent ones and stuff, not racial and gender ones) are just the luck of the draw. No, we should not make people pick you first in basketball to help your self-esteem. Go shoot some free throws and practice or deal with being last. I get tired of people overcompensating for natural deviations from “the norm” (whatever “the norm” is) among people. I will never be President. I am not “Presidential” material and furthermore this blog carry more than enough ammunition to see to it that I never win the nomination! I’ve already had the charge of being racist thrown at me (Must be a “Jeremiah” thing) and I am sure Bill O’Reilly would find someway to show how Un-American I am because of some of the company I’ve kept. (I won’t disown them either! Hahaha!) I don’t have the right pedigree and I don’t have the temperament to deal with all the garbage that goes along with being in a political position of that nature. I’m not upset in the least by my non-President life. No program should be set up to ensure I get a fair shot at the White House. Don’t misinterpret me. There is a real need for various initiatives to bring about diversity of all sorts, especially if discriminatory practices exist, or have historically, to an extent. However, I can not think that it is worthwhile to create programs simply because certain folks aren’t in a particular field. If no blacks want to be zookeepers and all the zookeepers are white as a result, no one was discriminated against and the “disproportionate under-representation” of blacks as zookeepers is not a sign of anything wrong at all as many would make it out to seem. It simply shows a particular group has no interest in the field! Now if they were shut out, that is a different story. Diversity is fine and should be encouraged, but everywhere there is a lack of diversity is not necessarily a sign of injustice (It could be a sign of neglect, in some cases, to share the knowledge about a particular opportunity though, but not always).

The right gets on my nerves because they act as if everyone is playing the victim and lying. No problem exists with the system or people’s circumstances that is out of the individual’s control, in their mind. They just “aren’t trying.” That’s garbage (not in every circumstance). I have worked in many after-school programs. Visit some of them in the neighborhood on the wrong side of the tracks and tell me everyone has a shot at the American dream. You understand really quickly some of these kids may not make it to college, or even graduate and it’s not JUST because the parents don’t make the teacher-parent conferences. I’ve witnessed teachers tell me I am wasting time on a 6th grade student when trying to get him to act right and teach him math while he was standing right beside me. He has got an equal shot at getting into a top school like everyone else? When my teachers told me I was plagiarizing my papers in high school because she had preconceived ideas about me due to the school I went to and the way I was dressed, that could have railroaded me. When funding for programs are cut that helped me stay out of trouble and learn more about college, it might mean the next kid like me won’t grow up to be like me. (Some may consider that a good thing)

Neither side has a monopoly on the truth. The truth lies somewhere in the middle. Some folks need to try harder. At the same time, life ain’t fair. That’s the reality of things. Some people make bad choices. Some are able to climb out of their situation due to certain privileges there life has afforded them. For others, that same choice can lock them into that position for months and even years if not longer. The desire to see all people as “equal” is dangerous, in my opinion, because it blinds people to tell someone to “take up their bed and walk,” when the person can; or it causes people to tell people to “get up and walk” whose legs have been cut from under them at the knees. The first step to seeing things correctly is to be honest with where you are. I am not doing great by any stretch, but I am honestly in a better situation than many people are from my background, and doing fairly well compared to most of America. By simply realizing that, I can understand what vantage point I am looking at other people’s problems and the world around me from and make a better assessment.

As a good friend of mine always does, let me use this sports analogy. You can’t have a roster with the talent like the Patriots did and be satisfied not winning it all. You won’t say it because it may come off cocky, but anything less is a failure. (Especially if you go 18-0) Making the playoffs isn’t an achievement for you, it’s a must or else someone may be fired. Now you can’t look at the Dolphins (who sucked so bad) and be angry they didn’t win the Super bowl win you know the roster they had. That’s how America does. The Patriots act like they are the Giants (Pre-Super Bowl win) and have a team that is good but not suppose to win it all. The Dolphins are asked to pretend they are the Giants too, a team this is much better than the Dolphins really are so as not to embarrass themselves and our country. Everyone is the Giants. That’s because everyone wants to feel they can relate to the “everyday” person. Not too well off, not too bad. There’s nothing wrong with being the Patriots if you are honest about it. There IS something wrong with being the Dolphins. There is even more wrong when the league demands the Dolphins play like the Giants or pretend that either the Patriots or the Giants are the Dolphins. And that, my friends, is America. The right pretending the Dolphins could make the playoffs while pretending the Patriots aren’t capable and aren’t expected to win it all. Meanwhile the Left is acting like a lucky draft pick will have the Dolphins in Super Bowl contention next year, or even worse, that the Giants NEED to score as many points in every game as the Patriots did so they give them the first pick.

Not every team can score 49 points and they do not need to. No one expected the Giants to win it all, but they had the opportunity and made the most of it. The Patriots have a few trophies and should do quite well next year. I think we can all agree that no team should lose as many games as the Dolphins did. That doesn’t mean any team should flop for them but they deserve the first pick. (maybe even the second one) All that being said, figure out which team you are on and stop pretending you aren’t what you are or that everyone else is what you are.

Go Panthers!

(My addendum) I’ll be really honest and say I worry about Obama winning. I worry that if Obama wins, that will be touted as evidence that all it takes is “determination” and “hard work” for blacks to achieve success. He has had a very atypical experience of many blacks in America. He’s not even completely black! He is a great role model of what can be achieved for black kids regardless of what anyone feels about him politically, but I hope folks realize he is a deviation from the norm of many black folks existence. I’ve already heard right-wing folks cite him as evidence that “America is past, above, and over race” and then right off Rev. Wright as a lunatic, American-hating, racist fringe lunatic. Listen I heard what he said and didn’t agree with all of it. (Some of it I did, especially when taken in context.) What bothered me the most was how shocked people were to know anyone thought like that, when an overwhelming majority of black people I know feel he did on some stuff or can at least understand what would lead him to that sort of conclusion. The American experience is viewed very different depending on your background. The assertion that a single view should be held is ridiculous, especially when it says nothing but the positive of the experience, which clearly isn’t representative of a number of the experiences that have taken place here. I love America a lot! Let me say that before I’m called a hater. I’m not going anywhere else, but let’s be real about our history and some present day occurrences. When a group’s view on America is completely dismissed, that is disheartening on a level that is hard to express. Some ideas and deeply-held beliefs on America may be seen as offensive. However, something being “offensive” doesn’t make it wrong (it doesn’t make it right either), or unworthy of discussion and attention if for nothing else, to gain understanding and perspective. Life is full of offensive things. My favorite and most beneficial discussions on race, social issues and every other volatile topic have been ones that where candid to the point of discomfort. People got past saying what they should and started being brutally honest in a way that would make Sharpton and O’Reilly go crazy. If the truth shall make you free, why do people go crazy and completely dismiss a “truth” a group has while citing progress with that very group? Every truth within reason should be explored. If a good chunk of the group you are trying to have dialogue with thinks it is within reason, it is within reason regardless of how you feel about it. (End addendum)

And now back to your regularly scheduled nonesense

REACHING THE NEXT LEVEL

You are driving on a road with one lane in each direction and there are a school bus full of children headed your way and your my passenger’s side two kids playing on the sidewalk. If the bus lost control and swerved into my lane, I would aim for the kids on the sidewalk without second thought. Not necessarily for the kids, but they would be my marker for where I need to get to be safe. When I bring up this scenario, people are horrified that I could say that without hesitation. I don’t understand their shock. It’s not like I aimed for the kids without cause. My thinking is that if I hit the bus, I die, the driver dies and perhaps several kids on board. If I hit the kids, they may see me coming and try to run only getting grazed by my grill or at the worst the two of them goes on to be with our Lord. 2 casualties compared to like 30 is an easy call and shows my leadership and ability to make tough decisions under pressure. That’s the type of example you break out during job interviews when they ask you for examples of those skills. It’s yours. No charge. Take it, use it, and abuse it. Below are a couple more interview answers you may use without even citing me as the source.

Describe a situation that challenged you and how you overcame it

My dad had a belt with a Jesus buckle. (true story) When we would act up, he would say he is going to get Jesus. This caused chaos for me when I went to church. I couldn’t fathom why anyone would be calling on Jesus to come back! I just saw Him yesterday and was not interested in spending another moment, much less eternity with Him! I would scream at the people saying they didn’t know what they were doing and telling them to stop it. This would in turn cause me to meet Jesus after church when my dad found out what happened. I’d go to church the next week and people would say they “found Jesus” and I would be puzzled because I was sure I hid Him in the dirt behind the shed where neither my dad nor any one else would ever find Him. One Sunday morning I decided to let Jesus into my life. I’ve met him a few more times since that day but here I am today a new man!

(This will win you tons of points if you are in the Bible Belt down in the South. If you are up North, substitute Darwin for Jesus to get the same effect. If you are out West, George Clooney will work.)

Why should we hire you over the other qualified applicants?

I have people skills and I’m a team player but let’s cut the crap. I’m black and from the looks of things you are falling waaaay short with your diversity initiative or was that just a slogan for the poster for Black History Month? I had no idea your company had me walk through a time machine at the front doors! This must be the 50’s judging from the lack of color in here. Look, you can use me to show your clients how committed you are to equality. I can keep Rev. Al Sharpton off your back! Now lets be clear. I am all about diversity. I’m not like Minister Farrakhan. I denounce his comments! I think they are vile and have no place here! I do not condone hate-filled rhetoric in any capacity! I am in 100% complete opposition to them.

(If you are not black and belong to any other underrepresented group, plug in your group instead of “black.” This includes females too. White men see your appropriate response to the same question below.)


Why should we hire you over the other qualified applicants?

I have people skills and I’m a team player but let’s cut the crap. I’m white and from the looks of things around here you all’s diversity initiative is going incredibly well! I didn’t see a single white man out there! You look just like the diversity poster on the wall in the hallway outside. I’ve always wanted to visit the U.N. but this place will do just fine! I am all about diversity. I’m not like Minister Farrakhan. I denounce his comments! I think they are vile and have no place here! I do not condone hate-filled rhetoric in any capacity! I am in 100% complete opposition to them.


Is there anything else you would like to share that you were unable to in the previous questions?

(This is really your chance to shine and seal the deal. Just open up and be honest)

Well, people see my baldhead and say, “Wow, your head is smooth! How do you get it so smooth?” I tell them the truth. I feed my razor blade steroids and SCH or Scalp-Cutting Hormones. This gives it the extra strength to cut extra close almost to the point of blood shed. Native Americans used the same strength formula when they used to cut hair…and flesh…Allow me to go ahead and link to my apology here. (For the record, Europeans scalped Native Americans also.) Even guys stop and say, “Hey man, do you-” and I cut them off and say, “No, I don’t have breast implants. Why won’t anyone believe this is allnatural from push-ups, the bench press?” Then they look at me funny and say, “I was going to ask do you use a Mach 3 razor.” “Oh…yes, yes I do.” I am forced to wear hats when it’s sunny outside due to the numerous lawsuits I have pending from people looking directly at my head and being blinded by the reflection, despite the sticker on my forehead that CLEARLY says “Do not look directly at my head for more than 5 seconds”. It’s always weird when people want to touch my head. I’m talking about even complete strangers. I mean people really molest my head. I feel like my head is a little boy in bed and their hand is Michael Jackson coming over to climb into the covers with me. I know. That is disgusting. Wait, what was the question again?

Seriously, don’t cite me as your source for this stuff. I mean it. Don’t even point people to this post. Sadly you did not get the job though. You receive a call later saying you do not get the job because you did not reject Farrakhan’s comments and the company will not tolerate anyone who will not reject them. YOU’VE GOT TO FOLLOW THROUGH!!!


Don’t be mad, UPS is hiring over at humor-blogs.com

ALWAYS REMEMBERED, NEVER FORGOTTEN

I know exactly where I was that fateful day when our sense of normalcy was shattered forever. No one saw THIS coming. I was in class when there was a knock on the door. My teacher answered it, and stood there stunned unable to believe what she had heard. I applaud her for not losing her composure even as tears welled up in her eyes and she relayed the news to us. Students were traumatized. Some students left campus never to return while others desperately tried to reach loved ones to ensure they were safe. I remember the nurse had to come and give some students oxygen when the student passed out after the news broke. Classes were dismissed and vigils were held all over the country. That day foreigners inflicted unspeakable damage onto the psyche of a generation.

Certain dates are etched forever into the pages of world history. The dates alone are recognized and need no explanation. July 4, 1776, Independence Day; June 6, 1944, D-Day; September 11, 2001, need I say more? Now one more date had been added to the list of history’s unforgettable dates; August 24, 2006, Pluto is no longer a planet. Astronomers in Prague made millions of Solar Systems created for school projects obsolete overnight. Worse than that, no one knew what planet was next! Mars? Saturn? Earth? If they declared Earth was not a planet an evacuation would have to occur because humans MUST live on a planet to survive. People would either be forced to leave and find a habitable planet or be doomed to perish on this terrain we thought we knew. Of course, one upside would be that illegal aliens would now just be “aliens” and we could use star wars-type weapons against this alien race on this rock formerly know as Earth. Congressman Tancredo would certainly be in favor of that.

It’s been about a year and a half since we lost Pluto. People created Facebook groups in memory of Pluto and people still tell tales of what they loved most about Pluto. Imagine my surprise when come across this article about a 10-year old girl coming up with a clever way to remember the names of all 11 planets! I was speechless! Pluto is back and Pluto brought some friends! This is like finding out FEMA is going to move you into the swanky Motel 6 after learning your trailer is dangerous to live in…okay it is nothing like that, but it IS like being kidnapped from your small town and taken to an undisclosed location only to be tossed in a freezer room. After three days of struggling and no food, you are able to get untied and find the freezer door unlocked to discover you were in the freezer of a Super Target food section. Of course you are grateful to have food again, but you wonder why you couldn’t have been left in the Super Wal-Mart grocery store freezer where the selection is a little better and the prices are more reasonable…Did you follow the simile?

I am glad Pluto is a planet again but I wasn’t expecting this at all! I feel ambushed and a little betrayed after all we as a nation went through in mourning. How little tact does it show to have two additional planets show up unannounced? I mean far be it from me to judge what is right or wrong. I don’t want to be the one to cast the proverbial “first stone” at Pluto as if my hands are clean, but I will crush those other two planets to death! In a side note, both sides of the political aisle have proposed a possible solution to deal with the planets that appeared uninvited. Democrats want to round them up, put them out, and then build a fence to keep other planets out; Republicans want to force them to fill out planet paperwork and get to the back of the line for consideration. Both sides agree these planets need to learn English while the American people are puzzled at the irony.

Personally, I am glad to see Pluto back but it places me in a difficult situation. What about those of us that have an “RIP PLUTO 1930-2006” actual life-size poster folded up in our homes? Do you know how many folds it takes to get it small enough to fit? I’ve got it preserved in the plastic and everything. I was told the poster is so large unfolding it would block out the sun over 40% of the Earth causing North America to freeze. Moreover, the weight would throw the Earth off of its axis. (Figure that one out!) However, there really isn’t room in most Americans minds to accept two new planets. Other countries are ok with it…but we are America so we are sort of like the Big Joker in a game of Spades. That being said, I think we should put the three planets on American Idol and let the people decide which one stays. The winner is in and the other two exit Milky Way left and try out next door at Alpha Centauri.

Online votes can be sent via humor-blogs.com.

THE CLAY PIGEON

Congratulations to Diesel and me! Diesel is the creator of the blog on my list to the right called Mattress Police-Antisocial Commentary, one of the funniest blogs online. Congrats to Diesel for the launching of his new online magazine, The Clay Pigeon Magazine. It is a collection of some of the funniest articles online. (Some of them have adult language.) Congrats to me for my article in it entitled "Less Than or Equal To?" It is a variation of my blog entitled, "Save The Numbers." That was one of my better posts from last year (March 07). Poke around the Clay Pigeon. Tell them I sent you and receive a free t-shirt with my face on it! Be sure to bookmark it as it is published weekly.